You're invited!

A few weeks ago, my sister Laura invited me to teach a workshop at her yummy, yummy store called Dear Lizzie.  She hosts these wonderful workshops that feature different artisans, stylists, dance instructors, graphic designers, and such, to teach a skill.  I know!  I know!  You're probably wondering why an accomplished Humorist like myself has been asked to teach along with the creative elite!  Well, you may not know this about me but I am one mean CRAFTER.  Yeah!  It's true.  I have creative juices pulsing through my veins and can glitter and glue right there with the best of 'em!  Are you shocked?  Well, you're not the first!  I am going to be doing paper Mother's Day CROWNS on April 15th.  It's going to be FUN!  You should come!

So, during our original conversation, Laura asked me to write a quick little bio about my wonderfulness that she could post on her stores blog to promote the event!  Simple!  I can do that, I thought.  So I logged onto her site and began to read some of the other bio's for some ideas.  Oh wow!  These were real professionals, with real careers and real bios who had been featured in major magazines, had regular gigs on tv shows and  had published books!  Uh-oh! 

Panic set in!  Write a bio?  What was she thinking?  You don't ask someone with notoriously low self-esteem to write something like that!  I've got nothing!  For days and days I dipped deep into my mind's well trying to think of impressive tidbits from my own life's resume only to discover that my well was dry! In desperation I thought about writing that I have read magazines, read books and watched tv shows but decided that would be too lame!  Then I considered cutting lines from the different bios and pasteing them together to make one for myself.  My better judgement nixed that one too! Oh sweet suffering! 

Finally, yesterday, Laura called wondering where my bio was!  I told her that it skipped town with my self-esteem!  Unamused, she reprimanded me with a deadline of today!  So, knowing that it was inevitable, I sat down and forced myself to write my own bio...or obituary!  This was my final draft...

Karen is a loving daughter, patient wife, surviving mother, loyal sister, attentive friend, hesitant dog-owner, frustrated dieter, and …oh yeah…extraordinary crafter! She comes to us from a small town surrounded by beautiful orchards, lush rolling hills and annoying stray dogs that always seem to end up in her backyard! With no stoplights in town, Karen can carpool in less than five minutes! A true Motherly feat!



Karen is a lover of all things handmade and truly believes that any global crisis can be fixed with a little Modge Podge and glitter! Considered a child prodigy of sorts, she began crafting as soon as she could squeeze a glue-gun trigger and hasn’t stopped since! Karen is to paper as Mozart was to music and Van Gogh was to painting! (Only she has never cut off any body part except for a few unfortunate moles in unfortunate places!) She proclaims that her creative hands are her biggest blessing and curse and you can often hear her yelling from her craft room, “Not now kids! Can’t you see…Mom’s CROWNING!”


To prepare to spend an evening with Karen, a self-proclaimed Humorist, you may want to get to know her a little better by visiting her blog www.anotherdelicioustorment.blogspot.com.

So there you have it...my best effort at an impressive bio!  Doesn't it make you want to come to my class?  Hurry, quick!  Go to http://www.mydearlizzie.com/ and sign-up.  Space is limited and I'm pretty sure once this baby hits the cyber world, I'm going to be in high demand.  See you there!

   

T-Rex or not T-Rex, that is the question!

Last night we played Charades.  We all took turns acting out whatever we wanted while the others tried to guess what we were. 

Chloe was Captain Moroni writing the Title of Liberty.  Her actions were well thought out and very accurate...definite first child!  She pretended to rip her cape, write on it and tie it to a post!  O'Neill guessed it pretty quickly! 

Sethie was a dragon from the cartoon Dragon Tales.  I'm not going to lie to you, that one was tough.  He put his arms out like an airplane and ran around the room in circles.  We guessed Superman?   Buzz Lightyear?  An airplane?   But nothing was right.  When we asked him to do another move to help us out, he went from straight arms to flapping arms.  Hmm?  This time we guessed a bird?  An owl?  Harry Potter (that was Jimmy's!)?  Still not the right answer.  When his little string bean arms started to get tired, he gave us a verbal clue...which is normally against the rules!   "I'm blue, pink and green."  OK...What?  That did NOT help.  When O'Neill asked what letter it started with, Sethie said "D-ragon!"  We finally figured it out but not before Seth collapsed from exhaustion!

O'Neill was He-Man.  That one was a little bit easier because he mouthed, "I HAVE THE POWAH!" while holding his imaginary sword up in the air.  I considered it homage to my little brother Eric who was (and maybe still is) a devoted fan of the He-Man! 

Then there was Lulu.  On each turn she would twirl a lot then drop to the floor and do some sort of buckin' bronco move that would then evolve into slithering and eventually end with some sort of  bunny/frog hop.  It was very athletic!  We would all yell out random guesses like "Horsey?"  "Pirate?"  "Princess?"  "Crocodile?" "Mom doing an excercise tape?"  She would keep going until she heard an idea that she liked.  Then, she would stop and proclaim the winner... "Yep!  I'm a  Horsey!" 

I was Joseph Smith praying in the grove.  Either I am an extremely excellent actress or that one is just too simple.  They guessed in two seconds.  How disappointing!

When it was Jim's turn,  the kids chanted, "Go Dad!  Go Dad!"  He hesitated so I begged,  "Come on sweetie!  Give me something spectacular!"   

He left the room to prepare.  We waited anxiously!  I wondered, could there be a wardrobe change?  (That would take our game to a whole new level!)  The anticipation was getting to us!  "Come on Dad!  We're waiting!"  we pleaded!  "Hold on!" his voice was strained from the other side of the wall, "This is harder than I thought!...Grrr!...Owie!...Hmph!  Wait...wait!  OK!  I'm ready!"  We sat on the edge of our seats! 

After a dramatic pause, Jimmy burst into the room!  His arms were sucked into his short-sleeved shirt and so all we could see were his hands popping out of the arm holes.  He moved with giant prehistoric steps while showing his teeth and making some sort of deep, guttural, growling sound.  His head writhed from side to side as he continued to take enormous, exaggerated steps around the room.  His little hands flapped about as he roared and gnashed his teeth.  He bent over as if trying to eat Lulu but couldn't grab her with his little armlets.  She squealed with delight and ran to my side for protection.    ROAR!  (Stomp!  Stomp!)  GRRROWL!  (Stomp!  Stomp)  RARGGGGGH!  (Stomp! Stomp!)  It was an amazing show!  Jim was by far, hands down, no contest, the most spectacular T-Rex I had ever seen in my life. 

I was hysterically laughing!  Through teary eyes, I looked at each child.  Chloe had her head thrown back in deep laughter.  O'Neill and Seth were literally bouncing up and down in their seats.  They may have even been clapping, I'm not sure.  Lulu was beside me squealing and giggling!  It was such absolute delight delivered in classic Jimmy form! 

Winded and slowing down a bit, Jimmy pleaded..."Is anyone going to guess, or what?"  Chloe and I were laughing to hard to answer.  But Sethie did not hesitate!  He yelled...

"I know!  I know!  You're a CAT!" 

I fell out of my seat!  Chloe laughed harder!  Jimmy stopped!  He was laughing so hard that he had to catch his breathe.  Then O'Neill topped it all off when he, in all seriousness said,

"You were a CAT?  Wow Dad!  That was a great CAT!" 

Oh dear me!!!!  I knew Jimmy would serve up something spectacular but I had no idea that it would be that delicious! Encore!  Encore!

Speechless!

"Beneath the clothes, we find a man...
and beneath the man, we find his...
nucleus!"
...Nacho Libre

Compound words!

Our conversation tonight while making cinnamon/sugar tortillas...

Seth:  "Mommy!  Did you know 'ocean' is a compound word?

'O...SHUN'!"

O'Neill:  "No Sethie, that's not a compound word.  A compound word is when two words are put together

like... uhm ...'Rudolph'! 

They were 'RUDE' and so he flew 'OFF'. 

'RUDEOFF'!"

And there you have it! 

The orgins of "RUDEOFF the red-nosed reindeer!"

...or is it "RAINDEAR?"

Uncanny!

When I was a freshman at BYU-Hawaii, my dorm mom asked me and my roommate, Shari, to be contestants for their version of the Newlywed Game.  Simple!  Answer questions about each other,  get your answers to match, win points and get a prize! How bad could it be?

Well, I was nervous sitting there in front of everyone answering retarded questions about myself.  It seemed that the more ridiculous the contestants looked, the more the crowd loved them.  And yes, as you can only imagine, the crowd LOVED us A LOT!  I don't remember getting any answers right.  We had only known each other for a few weeks.  But I DO remember one of Shari's answers about me.  It most likely will haunt me forever!

The question that we both got was..."What celebrity does Karen remind you of?"  Now remember this was 1991.  I racked my brain trying to think of red-headed celebrities who I looked like!  Suddenly, C-L-I-C-K!  Duh!  No-brain-er!  We were about to get our first point!  So, I answered...without hesitation...with gusto..."JULIA ROBERTS!" 

Then, without hesitation...and with gusto, every one burst out laughing!  Apparently I had answered too quickly?  GULP!  Shari looked stunned and confused, as if Julia had NEVER even crossed her mind!   I couldn't figure out why.  Julia Roberts seemed so obvious to me.  But then Shari revealed her answer and do you know who it was?  It was flippin'  BETTE MIDLER!  Yeah, you heard me...Bette Midler.  Adorable, beautiful, 18 year old me reminded her of Bette Midler!  Oh...have mercy on my soul!

She made some feeble excuse!  "No Karen, I said that because I think you're funny like Bette Midler."  Yeah, WHATEVER!  I know she did it on purpose just to put me in my place.  Regardless of the fact that Shari was drop-dead gorgeous, thin and had every single guy literally dying just to be near her...I had better bangs! Yep!  It's true. And Shari knew it!  She would rat, tease, spray and blow like a madman every morning trying to get her little whispies to go BIG!  But NO!  They never compared to mine.  My bangs were HUGE!  I swear comparing me to Bette Midler was her subtle way of keeping me and my bangs down!

So from that experience I have learned to be careful in my comparisons of others.  It's a fine line when you start comparing how people resemble each other.  Like, for example, when my beautiful Chloe was born, one brother-in-law, in particular, who will remain anonymous (OK...DAVID) kept telling me that she looked like my Dad!  Yep!  Every time he saw her he would say..."Hey, Tom!"  until she was like 4 years old!  Hello! You don't tell a first-time mother that her adorable, newborn baby GIRL looks like her GRANDPA!  Not cool! 

But then there are rare instances where people really do resemble each other in a very uncanny way!   For example, we were leaving the McDermont Fieldhouse the other night.  It was dark outside and I was trying to keep the kids close to me.  Suddenly, through the chaos, I became aware that someone was shouting a name over and over again.  All I could hear was a young man's voice yelling..."Hey Shaun!  Shaun White!"  I looked around and saw Jordan Townsend walking towards us.  He kept yelling, "Shaun!  Hey!  Shaun White is that you?"   but he was looking at Lulu!  I was so confused.  Jim got it immediately and burst out laughing!  I didn't remember who Shaun White was until Jordan yelled, " It's the Flyin' Tomato!"  We laughed so hard!  Now I don't want to give Lulu a complex and compare her to some male snowboarder, but the resemblance is pretty awesome! 

You be the judge... 

Do they really look alike

OR

do we just need more red-headed celebrities to choose from?

Just your average tsunami!

Last weekend we escaped to Avila  to celebrate Mark's 40th birthday. 

Saturday morning we woke up to news of another horrific earthquake in Chili.

(Why so many earthquakes lately?)

After breakfast and a nice soak in the hot tub,

I headed down to the beach with Chloe, Seth, Lulu and Payton.

The tide was lower than usual and we wanted to find a treasure!

As we searched, the officer in this police car nearly ran us over...
literally!

"Hello, officer!  Does this have anything to do with the tide being soooo far out?"

Suddenly all of the footage from the Indonesia tsunami flashed into my mind! 

All of those unsuspecting women and children wading in the low tide...

AUGH!

"Yes Ma'am.  That's exactly what this is about!"

He then explained with URGENCY that we were to evacuate the beach IMMEDIATLY due to a

TSUNAMI WARNING!

hello!

He did not have to ask twice.

I was outta there.

I found Jim and the others up at the park.

"We have to get out of here NOW!"  I told them

I was nervous!

Lindsey understood my need, as a mother, to flee!

"WHAT?"

Jim was shocked!

What I saw as imminent danger...

Jim and Mark saw as an "adventure of a lifetime"

So, instead of getting out of town

we headed for a hill with a view.

And, we would walk because

Jim was hoping that our car would be flooded

in the underground parking garage!

The exodus to the hill with the view!

No, Jim...by all means save yourself!  I'll get Seth and Lulu!

They closed the Pier.

All the beach entrances were blocked!

Lindsey with her 72 hour kit!

We decided that the hill was too far away (another 1/8 mile, MAX)

So we stopped

at a spot

that was pretty much level with the ocean.

By now it was about 1:30 pm.

When Mark and Jim started to get antsy at 1:33 pm,

we asked the firemen in the firetruck behind us for more details!

They explained that there would be one initial large wave with several that followed.

They expected them around 2:30 ish!

They said that if we heard a siren,

we would have between 2 - 30 minutes to get up the hill!

(Not an exact science, apparently!)

We role played how that would work out...hilarious!

So we waited!

The older kids got bored and went looking in the shops behind us!

(They were the lucky one's)

Jim, Mark and Lindsey had their fancy phones to entertain them.

(again, the lucky one's)

I don't have a cell phone, so...

Miles, Lulu and Payton...bored!

Patiently waiting for the end of the world with my Sonic cup/floatation device!

Sethie taking his last self portrait!

Lulu harassing Miles then...

twirling and...

twirling some more!

By about 2:10 pm I looked like this...

By 2:12 pm we were all hungry!

And for us, hunger trumps a tsunami!

So we aborted mission

and

headed back to our rooms for lunch!

Luckily, nothing ever happened with that good ol' tsunami.

No sirens! 

No "run for the hills"!

No flooded car!

But it made for a great birthday adventure!

Nothing like a near natural disaster to ring in a new year!

Happy Birthday friend!

Tea Party!

Seth was invited to Payton's 6th birthday party. 

Lulu didn't make the cut. 

She was devastated!  

As Seth skipped off with present in hand,
Lulu sobbed face down on the floor.

Broken hearted!

UNTIL...

Chloe invited her to a very special tea party of her own!

Lulu's bliss!

Hot chocolate for two!

"Lulu!  Hold up your pinkie while you sip!...uhh, close enough!"

Showing off her party dress!

The perfect hostess!

Some of the guests and the magnificent centerpiece!

How is it that sisters just always know how to make everything right in the world?

"well sometimes!"

(O'Neill's response to my post...but who asked him anyway?)

Sweet Rack!

I have the cutest bagger boys at my local grocery store.  There are three in particular who I totally have  crushes on...Vincent, Sam and Mitchell.  I'm pretty sure that they love me too.  I mean, only someone who really adores me would ask about my day while bagging my groceries, right?  Then, to top it off, they walk me to my car, load it up, take the cart away and wish me a great day...all while smiling, serving and making me feel like I am the center of their universe.  Yes, they are perfect men and they all love to spoil me!  I asked Jimmy once if he got that kind of special treatment and he said, No.  I think he was jealous! 

So last Thursday I happened to have Vincent as my checkout love slave for the day.  As usual, he smiled that dreamy smile while bagging up my goods.  He didn't judge all of my Diet Cokes or junk food, but just asked about my kids and my life...since, afterall, it WAS all about me!  Then, as usual, he offered to "help" me to my car which I gladly accepted. 

As we walked into the parking lot, I directed him to my white Suburban with the Yakima rack on top.  "Oh, what's the rack for?  Are you an active family?"  Vincent asked with total and complete interest!  I burst out laughing!  Did he NOT just see all of the junk food that I bought?  (I guess love really can be blind!)  Anyway, I explained that NO, my family was not overly active and that I have the rack on my car for carpooling purposes!  When he seemed confused by that answer, I pointed out that every large family in the area has a white Suburban so I leave the rack on mine so that my kids can see me coming in the carpool line and so that I can quickly find my car in parking lots!  (I may not be active but you gotta admit I'm brilliant!) 

Vincent agreed and was highly impressed with my wisdom!  He didn't come out and directly say it, but I could tell.   "Yeah Vincent!"  I proudly said, "Now when you see my car go by you'll be able to say...Hey look!  There's Karen and her SWEET RACK!"  We froze.  Our eyes met just as we both realized the double meaning in what I had just said!  I could tell he was straining not to glance at my chest.  NO! I begged in my head!  Don't do it!  THAT'S NOT THE RACK I WAS TALKING ABOUT!  Then, he burst out laughing and we laughed good and hard!  I could feel my face burning! 

However, being the perfect bagger boy that he is, Vincent maintained total professionalism and finsihed the task at hand while kindly letting me stammer and make a complete IDIOT of myself!  "Oh, I can't believe I just said that!  Uhhh, You know what I meant right?  I, I uhm wasn't talking about MY rack I was talking about THAT rack...right!  Right?  You get it right?  Ha!  Ha! ...sigh!"   Vincent kept laughing!  I had upper lip sweat! 

Finally, as he closed my trunk, I asked..."so are you gonna go and tell the others about what just happened, or can this just stay between us?"  "Oh no!"  He gently reassured me.  "I'm definitely gonna tell the other's!  That one's too good to keep to myself!"  Valid, I thought.  Valid!  Then he turned, wished me a nice day and walked back to the store.  I drove away with my esteem just as deflated as my RACK...sigh! 

O'Neill's revenge

Back in November, I got this insane notion to do family pictures in an orchard.  At the time, the leaves were changing and all of the orchards that surround my little world were on fire with color!  I knew the pictures would be so pretty!  The only problem was that I absolutely detest getting my family ready for pictures.  It is a rare and unusual form of torture that we mother's have to endure.  Coordinating outfits, fixing hair, finding shoes, accessorizing, making sure every one's ready...making sure every one's happy...making sure every one's there!  AUGH!  It's too hard. 

So, knowing the torment of it all, I decided to do this photo shoot quickly, simply and without much thought.  I asked my friend, Angie, to take the pictures on Friday and we were there the next day.  I literally grabbed clothes for the kids and hoped that they would match.  I kind of fixed their hair but was really just hoping for a natural, everyday look.  Same for me and Jim.  As we left the house that Saturday afternoon, all seemed well.  Everyone was happy, clean and calm.  It was very unusual but somewhat delightful.

We decided to take pictures in a walnut orchard.  The trees were larger than orange trees and had a much prettier canopy.  And, I loved the tunnel effect at this particular orchard.  It was really cool!  So, as we all got situated for our first round of pictures, I did a quick scan of everyone and GASP!  An unforeseen glitch!  There sat O'Neill with a blue lollipop in his mouth!  What?!? 

"O'Neill!"  I shouted (well, I didn't really shout.  It was just a half shout because Angie was there and well, you know...)  "What?"  he mumbled, shocked at the attention.  "Where on earth did you get that lollipop?"  "From the car" he explained with a 'duh mom' look on his face.  "Make that disappear RIGHT NOW!  I'm so sure!" I demanded, flustered!  Hesitantly he handed the lollipop to Angie's son who was there helping out.  I gave him a final little glare to seal the deal and off we went with the first round of photos.  Catastrophe avoided.  All seemed well.

We took several series of pictures in different poses and locations throughout the orchard.  Angie was a total sport to hang with the Hunter Circus...literally!  I was actually enjoying myself EXCEPT that each time I looked at O'Neill he would somehow have that stupid blue lollipop back in his mouth!  It started to make me crazy because his teeth were getting more and more BLUE with each suck!  Finally, after warning him over and over again to get rid of the thing, I lost all self control, yanked it from his mouth and tossed it in the leaves!  (Yet another reason why I am never going to be 'Mother of the Year'!) 

My action stunned us both!  Unsure of how O'Neill would react, I glanced back and forth from him to the lollipop, waiting.  He didn't move.  Just stared at the white stick poking out from under the leaves.  Finally, with no emotion he s-l-o-w-l-y turned his head towards me and with eyes ablaze with revenge he whispered..."You'll be sorry that you just did that!"   Shocked at the dramatic impact of the threat, I said nothing but in my mind I was thinking, "Whatever buddy!  Victory is mine!"  I mean really, what could he possibly do?

Well, we finished out the photo shoot and headed home.  Angie downloaded the pictures straight onto my computer and when I sat down to scroll through the 400+ pictures that night, I came across the series  that were taken right after the "incident"!  I nearly died with laughter!  Without any tantrum or public outcry, my normally mellow O'Neill stood true to his words and got his own, sweet revenge for his stolen lollipop!  Well played O'Neill.  Well played! 

(Double click on picture to zoom.  #3's the best!)

"Oh sweet lollipop in the leaves...this woman MUST pay and pay...

"NOW!"

"Ha!  Send THAT out with your Christmas card!"

"TAKE THAT!"

"Oh owie!  Owie!  Cheeks are cramping!  Wait...stretch it out..."

"...And I'm BACK!"

"Yeah Mom...Who's the 'SUCKER' now?"

"I can do this forever!  She's gonna see these and regret that she ever..."

"Oh hey!  Is that a squirrel?"