The Nativity

I have a darling, little

"Nativity Fairy"

(of sorts) 

who lives in my house.

Every time I try to arrange my

Nativity sets
all fancy and pretty,

A little someone comes along and

rearranges them.

She's won me over with her persistence

and

 I am now

a huge fan of her

CHRISTMAS HUDDLE! 

Aaaaaaaaaaaand BREAK!

Warning!

All I can say is
 when your 4 year old

shoves two of her fingers in your face

and tells you to

"smell" them...

REFRAIN!

I promise they WON'T smell like

marshmallows...

even if she says they will!

Boys!

I think

that some of the greatest gifts

given to Mothers

are

9 year old boys!

They're old enough to get themselves ready for school

yet still young enough to say

"I Love You!" as they get out of the car.

They're old enough to watch scarey movies 

(like "Ghost Busters" and "Gremlins")

yet still young enough to sleep with the lights on!

They're old enough to have their own sense of style

yet still young enough to need jeans

with adjustable waistbands.

They're old enough to play competitive sports

yet still young enough to cry on your shoulder

 when they get hurt.

They're old enough to start earning extra money

yet still young enough to spend it all on candy!

They're old enough to go on campouts with Dad

yet still young enough to jump in the freezing pond

with swarming mosquitos!

They're old enough to want their hair to look good

yet still young enough to hate taking showers!

They're old enough to get love letters from saucy girls,

yet still young enough not to care!

They're old enough to tease

younger brothers and sisters

yet still young enough

to give them big hugs and kisses!

So basically,

They're old enough to be big

yet still young enough to be little!

(Samuel, Clayton, O'Neill & Jack.)

It's the perfect age.

Have you missed me?

My Grandma was a widow for 25 years and never remarried.  That is so long!  A few years before she died, I asked her how she did it.  How she could sleep alone night after night for so many years without exploding from fear or loneliness!  She did not hesitate and told me that the key was to go to bed with HAPPY THOUGHTS.  She said that she never watched the news, listened to sad music or read heavy stories before going to bed.  Instead, she would watch David Letterman or Jay Leno and then go straight to bed while still GIGGLING.  I knew right away that she had given me a time-tested survival tip and tucked her wisdom away for a rainy day!

Then, last year as the affects of the recession began to surface around me, I started to experience a lot of anxiety.  It seemed as though everywhere I turned, bad news had planted itself right in my path.  Times had changed and life started to feel HEAVY, especially at NIGHT!  Night after night, I would toss and turn as I struggled to exchange the worries of the day for the serenity of sleep.  It seemed that as I got more and more tired, my fears and worries became more and more overwhelming.  It was a pretty exhausting cycle.

Finally late one night (or was it early one morning), while I sat in my family room waiting for my ever familiar anxiety attack to go away, I started to think about Grandma and the brilliant advice she had given  me years before.  Somehow I had allowed all of the negative aspects of life get me down when really I just needed to find my HAPPY.  So, as soon as my racing heart slowed down and I regained feeling in my fingertips, I got busy.

Over the next several months, I decided to give myself a vacation from the media and  I completely stopped listening to the news.  (Except for the weather and People magazine, of course!  Those don't count!)  Although it was a little extreme, I have to say that IGNORANCE was BLISS!  I needed the break.

But then, since I wouldn't follow the news, I started to read blogs.  All sorts of blogs.  But I was mostly drawn to blogs written by Mothers.  It was a nice distraction to read about the lives of other woman, most of whom I had never met.  But, after a while, even that started to bother me.  Reading about everyone elses perfect children, charming husbands and spotless refrigerators (with pictures included) started to make me realize that that wasn't really helping the cause either.  So, one day as I tried to figure out what my next step towards SANITY would be, I decided that rather than focusing on the lives and events of strangers (in the news and on blogs), I needed to focus on my own...crusty refrigerator and all! 

The idea of starting a blog was a little overwhelming and made me nervous.  But knowing that I would most likely type posts at night, I figured that it would be a great opportunity for me to put my Grandma's advice to work.  But rather than focusing on the humor of Late Night TV hosts, I would focus on the humor of my own life.  That decision changed my entire focus.  Rather than just posting about the everyday happenings of my life, I decided to watch for and notice the fun, amusing and unusual experiences around me.  I wanted my posts to not only make me LAUGH, but to also entertain any poor reader who wandered this way. The more and more I wrote, the happier I was becoming.  Writing was therapy!

For months this blog was a really fun adventure for my family as well.  I was pleasantly surprised at how much fun my kids were having with it.  It seemed to UNITE us.  As we went about our day, it was not unusual for them to bring me the camera and say, "Mom, look how funny this is.  Hurry and take a picture for your blog."  Or they would tell me a happy story about each other and say, "Wouldn't that be good to put in your blog?"  It was really fun and unexpected.

But then something happened.  Once school started, life seemed to get heavy.  Is it just me, or are things just depressing right now?  I swear, and I kid you not, it seems like every single day I hear some sort of bad news. Not national news, but news that personally is related to me!   "This friend just lost their job and can't find another!" or "This super healthy friend just dropped dead from a heart attack during a bike race!"  or "This friend is moving far, far away because the people in their town suck!"  or "This friend's in the hospital with their sick baby!"  or  "This friend just had a miscarriage!"  or "This friend just got a death threat!"  (FOR REAL?!?  Who gets death threats in America?  That is so Mexico!!!) ...and that's just a sampling of what's been going on!
I am SCREAMING OUT LOUD IN MY HEAD right now!

As you can tell, I seem to have once again misplaced my HAPPY.  Many, many nights I have sat down to write a post only to shut off my computer because I can't think of a single happy-hearted event that has happened.  It's tragic that I've lost my focus!  But, do NOT panic.  I am determined to stop letting the reality of life dominate my happiness and start looking for the funny and pleasant tender mercies that are sprinkled all around me.  I owe it to myself..and amazing Grandma! 

Lindsay!

We have the most bizarre situation going on right now in our little town of Lindsay.
But before I can explain, you must know a few facts about the town I live in...

There are approximately 11,000 residents.
Probably 90% are Hispanic
and about 50% (maybe more) of that 90% are fieldworkers.
( I have NO idea how many are legal.)
It is very low income
and there are very few who actually can or will vote.

********************

10 years ago,
Lindsay was a little, somewhat abandoned town that looked totally neglected.
Commercial buildings, schools and houses were horribly maintained.
The roads and sidewalks were holed and uneven.
Most of the downtown businesses had long since moved away.
There was absolutely no reason to come to Lindsay.
This once bustling and charming city was ghostlike.

********************

7 years ago,
the Mayor and City Council made a brilliant move by hiring a new
City Manager named Scot Townsend.
He and his family lived in Lindsay and were actively immersed in the community.
He had worked for the City for many years
and not only knew what changes and improvements needed to be made,
but passionately believed that they could be achieved.

********************

4 years ago,
Jim brought me to Lindsay for the first time.
He had been offered a job here and really liked this little town.
I was unimpressed and afraid.
It was totally out of my comfort zone and
I felt like my children deserved a more inspiring place to spend their childhood.
I did not want to live here.

But then I met Scot.
He gave us a tour of Lindsay
and pointed out ALL of the improvements
that were scheduled to take place over the next 5 years.
He was excited, driven and enthusiastic about the future of this little town.
Although I couldn't totally imagine the transformation that he described
I liked him,
I trusted him,
and I believed in HIM!
He easily pulled Jim and me into his vision
and we gladly became residents of Lindsay, CA!

********************

2 months ago,
You would be amazed at how this city looks.
In the time that we've lived here
Scot has delivered everything he promised...
even during the recession!

We have a new library, swimming pool & Wellness Center.
Many of the roads are smooth and repaved
with a new, charming round-about in the center of town.
An old, dusty railroad yard has been transformed into Sweet Brier Plaza
with weekly Friday Night Markets
that draws thousands of people from all over the Valley to enjoy the events.
The downtown area has all new streets, sidewalks, lighting and landscaping.
Many of the storefronts have been given "face lifts!"
The Police and Fire departments have been upgraded!
The football and soccer fields have been transformed.
There's an amazing after school program for Middle and High School students.
Over 500 residents have been able to get into homes because of special City financing!
Jobs have been created
And last but not least (and I'm sure I've forgotten something)
 there's McDermont Fieldhouse...
an old, abandoned packing house that has been transformed into a sports complex extraordinaire!
Needless to say,
the results have far exceeded my expectations!

********************

Which brings me to today!
A few months ago,
one of the local newspapers wrote a controversial article
stating who the top paid public officials were in our County.
(Thank you City of Bell...grrrrrr!)
Several of our City Administration, including Scot, were on that list.
The problem with the article, however,
was that the newspaper posted ONLY the base income of all of the other city officials in the County
but posted the base income + benefits, Calpers (?), etc. of the Lindsay City officials.

That little snafu has caused an enormous uproar in our city.
Three disgruntled residents have spent the last month
trying to whip up the community of Lindsay against Scot.
They are misinformed and are constantly spreading lies about him and other City officials.
They have distributed flyer's stating,
"Our pesos are paying for his house!"
with pictures of his home and directions on how to find it.
They have threatened his family and
have been ruthless in their attempts to
minimize the progress that he has brought to this town.
 It's been horrific to watch!
I am appalled that such behavior is condoned by anybody!

But, enough is enough!
Tonight there is a special public forum
scheduled to address this situation
and to defend our friend and the best interest of the city that we love.

Some high school students made a video
that has been circulating via email and You Tube.
It supports the growth and progress of our City.
I have been impressed to see the younger generation
come forward and support Scot and the City as well!
Countless emails and messages have been popping up all over the place
 encouraging residents to come and support what's right!

This is my attempt to do the same.

The meeting is tonight @ 6:00pm
Lindsay High School Gym.
I'll see you there!

**On a lighter note...here is a little video from little, irreverent me.  For some reason this scene has been going through my head ALL DAY LONG!  I can't help myself.  Enjoy!** 

Chef Jimmy!

A few months ago

Jimmy announced

that he would like to go to

culinary school

and asked if I would support him in a

career change.

OVER MY DEAD KABOBS!

I replied.

But I told him

that I loved the idea of learning new things

and selflessly offered

to let him practice cooking

every single night

if he wanted.

Isn't that kind of me?

Lucky for us,

he actually is an amazing cook.

His food is super yummy and creative.

He's one of those

dump everything together

 and make it up as you go cooks.

It's always a treat to see what he comes up with.

I, on the other hand, am a recipe cooker.

The only problem with that

is that I only have about 10 recipes

that I rotate through

night after night

and

week after week.

Then if that's not bad enough,

I had a little ulcer debacle in high school

that has left me totally anti-spices.

I don't even pepper my food.

BLAH!

So my poor little family

has had no idea

what good food really tastes like,

until now!

It's no surprise to me that

when I cook
my kids plug their noses.

Remember this?

INGRATES!

But when the Jimmy cooks,

he has a full blown

 FAN CLUB!

FYI,

The kids do not gather like this when I cook.

Oh no!

I am a lone man in an empty kitchen.

But, as usual, every thing's a delicious party

when the Jimmy's involved!

So I say,

cook it up Jimmy!

Cook like there's no tomorrow!

and

I'm starting to think

that perhaps your next career whim

should involve

Message Therapy!

Just a suggestion, of course.

Toothache!

Little Sethie just crawled into bed with us.

He's bawling

and holding his right cheek.

He has a molar

that's just about to pop through his gums.

It hurts!

When I was 19
two of my wisdom teeth grew in.

Both on the left side.

I just remember

going through tube after tube of Anbisol

and wishing for DEATH
and
I'm NOT kidding!

It hurt

but gave me a very real understanding

of what it feels like to

sprout new teeth!

Poor boy!

He's back to sleep now

and I think

I'm going to go and cuddle him up
before all of his teeth grow in
 and he's too big to snuggle!

Sweet dreams! 



Signs

My tender-hearted Chloe
came wandering into my room Sunday night
at 11:30 PM!

"Mom!"  she said  "I have a weird feeling in my tummy!"

"Oh great!"  I groaned! 

 "Just make sure that when it comes up, you make it to the toilet!" 

 (once again, Mother of the Year!)

When she assured me that she didn't feel sick like that,

I was relieved! 

But then she explained that she felt

NERVOUS

because of her lesson at church that day.
(Never a good sign!)

Apparently, it was the ever light-hearted

 'SIGNS OF THE TIMES' lesson.
Oh great.

That Isaiah,  I'm telling ya! 

Couldn't he have sugar-coated that a little?

I mean really! 

I can only imagine how many nightmares
that topic has caused over the past
four thousandish years?

Sheesh!

Anyhow,
As she expressed her valid fears and worries,

I could totally sympathize
and told her the story about
me and the end of the world.

It seems like only yesterday

that the infamous Bruno brothers

announced to the entire third grade
that the world was going to end

the next day 
at
12:15 pm...

right at the end of lunch recess!

I cried myself to sleep that night .
I just couldn't believe that it was my last night on earth
in my bed,
with my toys
and near my family!

The next morning
when I left for the bus stop,

I vividly remember 

the stomach-wrenching pain that I felt

as I hugged my Mom goodbye

for what I thought would be 

the last time
here on earth!

School was a waste.
I was too terrified to concentrate.
I mean really,
when you're facing death
long division seems mundane!

When lunch recess finally rolled around,

a majority of us third graders swarmed together

in the middle of the field weeping

while

those rotten Bruno brothers

stood in the middle of the group

counting down!

10...9...8...

They shouted with New Years Eve excitement.

I clung to Becky Baer.

7...6...5...

Dread and paralyzing fear set in.  

I was far too young to face my own mortality!

4...3...2...

OH MY GOSH!

1!

I screamed!

Becky screamed!

Everyone screamed...

Until the lunch bell rang
 and it was time to go back to class. 

WHAT?!?

I was totally and completely confused.
Where was the
hellfire and brimstone?

And what about the
famine, pestilence and
rumors of war?

Come on...
I figured we at least deserved a good
earthquake
since we were in California!

(is that guy naked?  Anywho...)

But no...
NOTHING!

As I followed the herd of kids
back to the classrooms,
I felt a mixture of
blissful relief,
unparalleled exhaustion
 and unbridled anger!

Those good for nothin' Bruno boys
had dooped us once again.
Never again, I vowed!
Never again!

Chloe and I laughed at the silliness of it all.
So much for my lunchtime Armageddon!
Oh brother!

and speaking of...
I wonder what ever happened to those
rotten Bruno brothers?
I bet they're in prison...
or better yet,
maybe they're born again preachers...
in prison!

I don't know. 
But I bet they're still
ROTTEN!  

A poem.

T'is the night before school starts,

and all through our house

Every one is excited...

especially my spouse!

Our summer vacation

has flown by too fast!

Now it's back to a schedule

of reading and math!

We found out their teachers.

All have classes with buddies.

Oh what a relief!

This calmed 'jittery tummies'!

Now their backpacks are hanging

on hooks with great care.

While new shoes and clean clothes

are out, ready to wear.

We had a calm evening,

and after prayers up to heaven,

They climbed into bed

with alarms set for seven.

So now as I tip-toe

past their rooms for a peek,

My tender heart melts

as I kiss each little cheek.

Off to school they must go

leaving Mother behind!

I whisper a prayer

that the world will be kind!

Sweet dreams my dear children.

May this year be a blast!

I'm just not quite ready

for you to grow up so fast!

XoXo...

Mom.

The great rescue!

One day I came home

from playing at Stacy Michael's,

only to find the house empty.

Mom had gone to run an errand

and my older brother, Mike, was in the backyard.

We were alone.

(gulp)

When I went out to let him know that I was home,

I noticed that the pool cover was open

and

that he was sitting Indian-style next to the deep end

with his suitcase of Lego's open next to him!

Red Flag!

This was an unusual thing!

First, because Mike was in Middle school

and didn't play with Lego's anymore

and second, because

it was a strict, strict rule in our home that we

DO NOT OPEN THE POOL COVER 

without Mom or Dad's permission.

NEVER, EVER, NEVER!!!

(FYI, 4 out of 5 of us never broke that rule!)

So, to see Mike playing Lego's

by an open pool,

alone

 was alarming, to say the least!

I approached carefully and asked,

"What are you doing?"

Mike looked up and grunted.

(He wasn't one for words!)

"Why is the pool cover open?"

Again, "Grunt!"

(Which I knew meant,

"LEAVE ME ALONE!  I THINK YOU ARE

ANNOYING AND UGLY!")

"Why do you have Lego's?"

This time I didn't even get a grunt!

(I had obviously overstayed my welcome!)

I was super curious 

as Mike grabbed a Lego from the stash

and began to fidget with something in his hands.

I couldn't tell what he was doing!

Then, he tossed the object into the deep end!

"What was that?"

I asked with complete, little-annoying-sister curiosity!

He glanced at me with a look of
blissful mischief

then grabbed another Lego and started the process again!

When he tossed the second object into the pool,

I couldn't help myself

and knelt by the side

 to see what he was throwing in!

The water's freshly broken surface

was blurry and unclear.

I could make out several little
dots of color on the bottom of the pool...

Lego's, I presumed,

but there was something dark

attached to each colorful dot

that I could not recognize.

I waited patiently as the water began to settle.

Then, suddenly, I realized that the little dark 'things'

were in fact

FROGS!

We had a mini-infestation of

little, cute, adorable, green, hoppy froggies that summer.

They were all over our backyard!

I loved them.

I thought they were the neatest visitors we had ever had!

So you can only imagine my shock and horror

when I realized that my very own brother

was trying to drown them

using Lego pieces as

Anchors of Death!  

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

I screamed.

"YOU'RE KILLING THE FROGGIES!"

I was distressed.

Mike was not.

He continued to

tie and toss...

tie and toss...

tie and toss!

"STOP!  STOP!"

I pleaded

as I watched the little frogs
trying to swim to the surface in vain!

Mike ignored my pleas
with pure and utter delight!

I went into rescue mode

and for a

very, very, very 

brief moment

I thought about snatching the Lego case away from Mike.

Luckily, however,

my better judgement got the best of me

and I quickly opted against that knowing that if I tried,

Mike would use that Lego case

to anchor ME to the bottom of the pool!

Plan Two... 

a life saving device!

Frantically, I ran around the pool deck

searching for the skimmer.

Where was it?

I went to it's normal resting spot but

it wasn't there!

Then I realized that it was sitting on the ground

right next to Mike.

Mike knew what I was after

and gave me a

 "Go Ahead, I dare you!" look.

I didn't dare.

With my little ten year-old heart pounding in my throat

and knowing that time was of the essence,

I made a split second decision

and dove, head first, into the deep end

clothes and all!

This posed a problem, however, 

because the second

strict, strict rule in our home was that we

DO NOT SWIM

without Mom or Dad's permission.

NEVER, EVER, NEVER!!!

But I didn't care!

I had to save the frogs,

regardless of the consequence.

I was pretty sure
Mom would understand!

Heroically,

I swam down and grabbed as many froggies

as I could until my lungs began to burn

and my head felt like it was going to explode.

Then I pushed off the bottom and 

dramatically burst out of the water gasping for air!

Holding the froggies close to my chest,

I flipped on my back and kicked my way to the steps in the shallow end.

With an armload of frogs,

I sat in the water

and tried to think

of a safe place to hide them... 

far away from Mike and his dreaded Legos! 

Mike looked unamused

as he continued to

tie and toss...

tie and toss...

tie and toss!

"Where should I hide these frogs?"

I asked myself.

Then, as if the heavens opened, the answer came...

hide them in

Mom's beautiful, wooden puzzle box

hand made from Indonesia

that's sitting in the front hall

on the new wooden floor!

Of course!

Mike would never find them there.

It was the perfect solution!

However,
this posed another problem 

because the third

strict, strict rule in our home was that we

DO NOT COME IN THE HOUSE WET

even with Mom or Dad's permission.

NEVER, EVER, NEVER!!!

Again, I knew Mom would understand,

this once,

and forged ahead

for the sake of the frogs!

I jumped out of the water

and sopping wet,

 sloshed my way through

 the family room, kitchen and entry hall

until I came to the puzzle box.

I knelt down,

on the wooden floor,

and crammed handfuls

of frogs and Legos

into each small wooden compartment.

I then carefully closed the lids and went back for more.

By the time Mike had finally lost interest

and moved on to his next destructive activity,

 the little wooden box was

bulging with frogs!

Knowing that I had done right by the world,

I changed my clothes

and cleaned up the puddles of water throughout the house.

When Mom got home,

she didn't notice a thing...

(that happens when you have 5 kids

and you're really tired!)

and I didn't think to tell her.

In fact, I forgot all about it

UNTIL

several months later

when Mom asked me to dust the puzzle box!

Then, it all came back...

the frogs

the Legos

the pool

the box!

OH NO!

I wept as I opened the tiny wooden compartments

and saw the carnage!

After all my efforts to save my friends,

 I ended up killing them myself.

Oh, the painful irony!

But, not to worry!

I have since forgiven myself

and believe that

frogs, children and summer

go hand in hand...

or hand in slimy flipper, 

you choose! 

Amphibian bliss!

Genetics!

It's been a long running joke

between me and my Sisters

that we got

Mom's nose

and

Dad's chest!

Now, it's fun to see

what traits my kids have inherited

from my good ol' Dad!

Chloe

got his "Hanson" looks!

He reminds her over and over again

how much she looks like

his sweet mother, Olga!

"What a beauty!" 

he always says
about the both of them.

O'Neill
got Dad's groove!

 

Every time a Fred Astaire movie comes on TV,

Dad says that Fred reminds him of himself,

"smooooth!"

Yep, O'Neill got his smoothness

that's for sure!

Seth

got Dad's smarts!

The kid can build and create just like his grandpa!

He eats, sleeps and breathes angles, space and design!

Definitely from Dad!

Then there's

Lulu.

She's still pretty young,

but I think she got Dad's,

uh..

Well, it's hard to say but I think maybe...

Yep!  I'm starting to think that she got his...

Sense of humor!

Oh, we love you Dad!

Thanks for letting us take a dip from your gene pool!

(Facial hair and all!)

Feet!

The problems with my feet 
started a few months after having Lulu..
3.5 years ago!

I started to have crazy pain
in my heals and arches.
Crazy, insane, ripping pain!!!

Not good!

So, I did what any resourceful Mom would do
and I Googled "heal pain."
I was self-diagnosed with "Plantar-Faciatis!"
All of it's symptoms described
my personal torment
to a 'T'!


The web gave me advice
on how to get rid of the demon pain!
Rest.
Loose weight.
Massage.
Ice/heat!
and
Avoid high impact sports and activities!


So for the last 3 years
I have done just that...
but the pain has continued!
There have even been days
when I have had to
crawl down the hall
to wake up the kids in the morning...
it has hurt THAT badly!


I have spent hundreds of dollars
on shoes and inserts!
I have massaged and iced!
I have rested and exercised!
and
I have even lost weight!
Yet still no relief!

So after enduring 3 long years of
the most excruciating foot pain of all time,
I finally went to a  
FOOT DOCTOR!

Can you believe that?

I was so excited for the appointment that

I even went and got a

pedicure

and shaved my legs
for the grand event of meeting
my new best friend...

Dr. Flora!


The appointment began with some nice

x-rays of my enormous,

Polynesianesque feet. 

(My feet are really u-g-l-y!)

Then Dr. Flora came in and

I instantly explained my connection to him

through Church, Girls Camp and
his darling wife, Kimberly!

He didn't have to say it out loud,

but I could tell

 I was the best patient he'd seen in a long time!

We connected!

As I began to give a detailed history

of my damaged goods,

Dr. Flora whipped out my X-Rays

and vigorously began to circle, trace and  measure

 the angles of my foot bones and joints!

He hummed!

He hawed!

And then finally explained that my feet were

ALL wrong!

Bones were pointing due West

when they needed to be going North!

Ligaments were soft and gooey!

Angles were too wide!

And

I had a crazy marble-sized bone spur

on EACH heel!

Yowzers!

He said that yes, indeed, I had
Plantar Faciatis!
(Is the Web ever wrong?)

He assured me that the condition
was very common
but that it was
unusual and unfortunate
that I had it on both feet!

He hasn't been around me enough yet
to know that
'unusual and unfortunate'
are my thing!

So, it seemed that the time of treatment was at hand.
I hung on every word!
What would it be to rid me of this pain?
Orthotics?
Foot massages?
Chocolate candy?

After three long years,
I was so excited
to finally hear what it would take
 to rid me of my misery!

Then, suddenly, and without warning
my new best friend
started fumbling in his drawers
and pulled out 2 syringes with REALLY long needles on them!
Wait, huh?!?

Then he started mumbling something
about cortisone shots and...
well, quite frankly, that's all I heard!
I could see his lips moving but couldn't hear sound!
Everything was muffled and ringing!

Had he just said something about a shot?
Didn't he know that I have no courage
when shots are involved?
Augh!

The mere thought of my wonderful BFF
cramming needles and juices into my tenders
made me start to sweat...a lot
from every single 
pore and orifice
on my body!

"WAIT!  WAIT!  WAIT"
I pleaded
when I suddenly noticed
that my chair was tilted back
 and me feet were straight up in the air!
"W-A-I-T!"

The DR peered around my ginormous feet!
"IS THERE A PROBLEM?"
he asked with shot in hand!


While trying to maintain my cool,
I asked him on a scale of 1-10 how
important a shot would be?
He seemed puzzled.

I then explained
that I hadn't heard really positive things
about cortisone shots in the past
and was wondering if
maybe I could  just opt out!

He seemed unamused.

Then, I asked if cortisone was offered in pill form?
Again, not amused.
When it became clear
that I would be given no other options,
I was left no choice
but to pull out the big, truly hurtful threats
and I said...

"LISTEN HERE DR...BISHOP...FRIEND! 
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
MY NEW BEST FRIEND
BUT NOW, AFTER THIS...
I'M STICKING WITH YOUR WIFE!"

Then defeated,
I literally slipped
(from sweat)
 into my 'happy place'
while he worked his torturous magic!

Sigh!

Now, several weeks later,
I am pleased to announce
that my feet feel 97.3% better!
It's so wonderful!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but...
Cortisone is
Nectar of the Gods!
I'm amazed at how much that made a difference.
That, and well,
the beautiful boot he gave me.

"Wear this to bed at night!"

He prescribed as he was leaving to tend to another patient.
Then, his nurse handed me this enormous
contraption to strap on every night.

"One night wear it on your right foot!"

"Then the next night wear it on your left!"

Oh great, just what I needed!
One more thing to make me an even uglier sleeper!
As if snoring, drooling and sleeping with my mouth wide open
weren't enough,
now I have to wear a boot?

There goes my sexy! 
Yep!
That just sealed the deal...

We are definitely done having children!
Oh well,
at least my feet don't hurt!

Welcome back to top of my friend list
Dr. FLORA!
(and the bottom of Jim's)