Feet!

The problems with my feet 
started a few months after having Lulu..
3.5 years ago!

I started to have crazy pain
in my heals and arches.
Crazy, insane, ripping pain!!!

Not good!

So, I did what any resourceful Mom would do
and I Googled "heal pain."
I was self-diagnosed with "Plantar-Faciatis!"
All of it's symptoms described
my personal torment
to a 'T'!


The web gave me advice
on how to get rid of the demon pain!
Rest.
Loose weight.
Massage.
Ice/heat!
and
Avoid high impact sports and activities!


So for the last 3 years
I have done just that...
but the pain has continued!
There have even been days
when I have had to
crawl down the hall
to wake up the kids in the morning...
it has hurt THAT badly!


I have spent hundreds of dollars
on shoes and inserts!
I have massaged and iced!
I have rested and exercised!
and
I have even lost weight!
Yet still no relief!

So after enduring 3 long years of
the most excruciating foot pain of all time,
I finally went to a  
FOOT DOCTOR!

Can you believe that?

I was so excited for the appointment that

I even went and got a

pedicure

and shaved my legs
for the grand event of meeting
my new best friend...

Dr. Flora!


The appointment began with some nice

x-rays of my enormous,

Polynesianesque feet. 

(My feet are really u-g-l-y!)

Then Dr. Flora came in and

I instantly explained my connection to him

through Church, Girls Camp and
his darling wife, Kimberly!

He didn't have to say it out loud,

but I could tell

 I was the best patient he'd seen in a long time!

We connected!

As I began to give a detailed history

of my damaged goods,

Dr. Flora whipped out my X-Rays

and vigorously began to circle, trace and  measure

 the angles of my foot bones and joints!

He hummed!

He hawed!

And then finally explained that my feet were

ALL wrong!

Bones were pointing due West

when they needed to be going North!

Ligaments were soft and gooey!

Angles were too wide!

And

I had a crazy marble-sized bone spur

on EACH heel!

Yowzers!

He said that yes, indeed, I had
Plantar Faciatis!
(Is the Web ever wrong?)

He assured me that the condition
was very common
but that it was
unusual and unfortunate
that I had it on both feet!

He hasn't been around me enough yet
to know that
'unusual and unfortunate'
are my thing!

So, it seemed that the time of treatment was at hand.
I hung on every word!
What would it be to rid me of this pain?
Orthotics?
Foot massages?
Chocolate candy?

After three long years,
I was so excited
to finally hear what it would take
 to rid me of my misery!

Then, suddenly, and without warning
my new best friend
started fumbling in his drawers
and pulled out 2 syringes with REALLY long needles on them!
Wait, huh?!?

Then he started mumbling something
about cortisone shots and...
well, quite frankly, that's all I heard!
I could see his lips moving but couldn't hear sound!
Everything was muffled and ringing!

Had he just said something about a shot?
Didn't he know that I have no courage
when shots are involved?
Augh!

The mere thought of my wonderful BFF
cramming needles and juices into my tenders
made me start to sweat...a lot
from every single 
pore and orifice
on my body!

"WAIT!  WAIT!  WAIT"
I pleaded
when I suddenly noticed
that my chair was tilted back
 and me feet were straight up in the air!
"W-A-I-T!"

The DR peered around my ginormous feet!
"IS THERE A PROBLEM?"
he asked with shot in hand!


While trying to maintain my cool,
I asked him on a scale of 1-10 how
important a shot would be?
He seemed puzzled.

I then explained
that I hadn't heard really positive things
about cortisone shots in the past
and was wondering if
maybe I could  just opt out!

He seemed unamused.

Then, I asked if cortisone was offered in pill form?
Again, not amused.
When it became clear
that I would be given no other options,
I was left no choice
but to pull out the big, truly hurtful threats
and I said...

"LISTEN HERE DR...BISHOP...FRIEND! 
YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE
MY NEW BEST FRIEND
BUT NOW, AFTER THIS...
I'M STICKING WITH YOUR WIFE!"

Then defeated,
I literally slipped
(from sweat)
 into my 'happy place'
while he worked his torturous magic!

Sigh!

Now, several weeks later,
I am pleased to announce
that my feet feel 97.3% better!
It's so wonderful!

I can't believe I'm saying this, but...
Cortisone is
Nectar of the Gods!
I'm amazed at how much that made a difference.
That, and well,
the beautiful boot he gave me.

"Wear this to bed at night!"

He prescribed as he was leaving to tend to another patient.
Then, his nurse handed me this enormous
contraption to strap on every night.

"One night wear it on your right foot!"

"Then the next night wear it on your left!"

Oh great, just what I needed!
One more thing to make me an even uglier sleeper!
As if snoring, drooling and sleeping with my mouth wide open
weren't enough,
now I have to wear a boot?

There goes my sexy! 
Yep!
That just sealed the deal...

We are definitely done having children!
Oh well,
at least my feet don't hurt!

Welcome back to top of my friend list
Dr. FLORA!
(and the bottom of Jim's)