I have an amazing knack
for choosing the wrong line at the grocery store!
AMAZING!
Every single time,
I'll choose one line
I'll choose one line
only to stand and watch
as the other lines move along more quickly!
It's annoying!
It makes my blood pressure go crazy!
It gives me anxiety!
and
I've determined that it brings out
something ugly from deep within me!
For example,
For example,
A few weeks ago
I was at our little grocery store here in town.
I was late getting Seth to a birthday party,
that yes,
I had forgotten all about,
I had forgotten all about,
and had to hurry into the store
to get a card and some birthday money!
(What do ya' do?)
I had my kids and few extra in tow!
Without even stepping into the store,
I was uptight, had lots of kids and was in a hurry!
A very bad combo!
So I did what any normal mother would do and
I threatened all the children with imminent
death
death
if they dared ask me for anything!
I was specific...
DO NOT ask me for candy!
DO NOT ask me for little white doughnuts!
DO NOT ask me for princess gummy snacks!
DO NOT ask me for quarters for the gumball machine!
DO NOT ask me for blue Gatorade!
and most of all
and most of all
DO NOT ask me to take you to the bathroom!
Get it?
DO NOT ASK!
Get it?
DO NOT ASK!
They all promised not to ask!
But, as soon as we got into the store,
Seth and his little buddy bolted up and down the aisles!
Augh!
I had forgotten to cover that!
I had spent so much time emphasizing the
DO NOT'S
that I forgot to go over the
DO'S.
Like the...
DO stay by me!
DO be calm!
DO use inside voices
Do walk!
Grrrrrrrrr!
Their craziness
just made me that much more determined
to get out of there faster!
Which I did,
or would have,
had I not had this thing
with picking the wrong line!
Actually, this time it wasn't my fault!
There was only one checker open
and there happened to be
TWO senior citizen couples in front of me!
TWO!
Painfully,
I waited for a r-e-a-l-l-y long time,
with 6 kids staring at the
candy rack
that was so conveniently displayed
perfectly at their eye level!
I had no idea
that old people could actually
move so slowly!
Honestly,
these people could not
have moved any slower if they tried!
In fact,
I was pretty sure
that if they moved any slower, they would
TIP OVER!
The first couple left!
Hallelujah!
The kids were still relatively calm.
But then, while the second couple
fiddled with their prune juices and what nots,
Lulu noticed her absolute favorite...
Bubble Tape!
And the circus began!
"Mommy, can I have this?"
She asked while trying to pry it open!
"No! Don't you remember my rules!"
I growled, while I tried to keep her from opening it!
"But Mommy...
I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT!"
She demanded with total determination!
I frantically looked
at the old couple
to see where they were at
with the checkout process!
To my total horror,
the little old lady was just pulling out her checkbook!
NO!!!!! Really?
Do all the old people in the world
still have to write checks?
So, while I was playing Tug-of-War
with my abnormally strong
3 year-old and a container of Bubble Tape,
this really old lady,
with her crooked, shaky hands
began to s-l-o-w-l-y write out her check!
I thought I was going to die!
"I WANT IT!"
Lulu demanded as she pulled the gum towards her!
"YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!"
I grumbled as I pulled it back to me!
BUT I WANT IT!'
...back to her!
"LULU...I SAID NO!"
...back to me!
"I'M TAKING IT!"
...back to her!
"NO MEANS NO!"
...back to me!
Knowing all to well
how little power struggles like ours tend to go,
I looked over to see
if the old lady was done so that I could get out of there!
I was happy to see that she had finished writing her check
but almost died when I realized
that she was still holding the check in her hand
while filling out her check register!
OH COME ON!
Then it happened.
My patience disappeared!
I yanked the gum from Lulu's death grip
and put it back on the rack!
"NO LULU! NO GUM TODAY!"
I said!
Then, I waited!
Her face turned crimson red!
She collapsed onto the nasty floor,
kicked at my feet
and let out
the most amazing, ear-splitting,
eruption of
SCREAM!
Always believing that her scream
could literally wake the dead,
the little old lady jumped,
looked down at her
and with a look of total disgust muttered...
"OH! WHAT AN AWFUL CHILD!"
Whhh-at?!?
That was it!
I felt MY face go crimson red
as a sudden rage
birthed from pure frustration
emerged from deep within!
Before even realizing what I was doing,
I heard sounds coming from my mouth
which sounded just like...
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT MY AWFUL KID!
JUST WORRY ABOUT WRITING THAT STUPID CHECK!!!!!"
Gasp!
Wait! What just happened?
Who am I? Where am I?
Had I really just yelled at a little old lady?
Oh dread!
I was mortified when I noticed
that the teller and my favorite bagger boy, Vincent,
were both staring at me wide-eyed!
Oops!
As my mind raced to figure out what to do,
I saw that the little old lady
continued to write her check totally unphased.
I realized that along with
extreme slowness and shaky hands,
she also suffered from bad hearing!
What luck!
She couldn't hear a darn thing
except, apparently, for the
the high-pitched, siren scream
of a 3 year-old redhead
throwing a tantrum on the floor!
I realized from that experience
that I need to really try and RELAX
a little more while waiting in crazy, long lines!
Lulu on the other hand,
learned a whole different lesson.
Which brings me to story # 2!
A few days ago Lulu and I were at Target!
Again, I chose the wrong line.
This time it was behind a mother and daughter
who were apparently outfitting an entire house.
They had 3 shopping carts over-flowing with goods!
I was buying one T-Shirt!
I chose the line
because they were swiping their credit cards!
I assumed they were nearly done!
But then, after a few minutes, I realized
that they weren't just swiping their cards
but that they were actually
BOTH opening new credit card accounts!
AUGH!!!!
By then I was trapped with 2 other shoppers behind me!
So this time ,
rather than get all crazy,
I took a deep, cleansing breathe
and waited!
While I waited,
I noticed the People magazine
on the shelf next to me.
I picked it up and began to read it!
While Lulu waited,
she noticed the candy bars
on the shelf next to her!
And this time,
apparently having been taught
that if she asks
she will have the thing
she wants painfully ripped from her hands,
she made an executive decision
and picked-up the candy bar
and began to EAT it!
By the time I clued in and noticed what she had done,
the candy bar was half gone
and her face was covered with chocolate!
I was totally shocked!
She always asked for candy
but had never just gone ahead and eaten it before!
What?
NO asking for permission?
NO power struggle?
NO Tug-of-War?
NO tantrum?
I felt like the universe had shifted!
"LULU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
I asked with total shock!
She froze!
I froze!
Neither of us knew what to do.
We were in uncharted territory!
Then, as if instinct prevailed,
she held up the half eaten candy bar
and asked if I wanted a bite!
Are you kidding?
Of course I wanted a bite!
I took a bite
(and a few pictures!)
to celebrate
Lulu's willingness to
share
even though I always make her
stand in the longest lines in the universe!
Which I did,
or would have,
had I not had this thing
with picking the wrong line!
Actually, this time it wasn't my fault!
There was only one checker open
and there happened to be
TWO senior citizen couples in front of me!
TWO!
Painfully,
I waited for a r-e-a-l-l-y long time,
with 6 kids staring at the
candy rack
that was so conveniently displayed
perfectly at their eye level!
I had no idea
that old people could actually
move so slowly!
Honestly,
these people could not
have moved any slower if they tried!
In fact,
I was pretty sure
that if they moved any slower, they would
TIP OVER!
The first couple left!
Hallelujah!
The kids were still relatively calm.
But then, while the second couple
fiddled with their prune juices and what nots,
Lulu noticed her absolute favorite...
Bubble Tape!
And the circus began!
"Mommy, can I have this?"
She asked while trying to pry it open!
"No! Don't you remember my rules!"
I growled, while I tried to keep her from opening it!
"But Mommy...
I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT!"
She demanded with total determination!
I frantically looked
at the old couple
to see where they were at
with the checkout process!
To my total horror,
the little old lady was just pulling out her checkbook!
NO!!!!! Really?
Do all the old people in the world
still have to write checks?
So, while I was playing Tug-of-War
with my abnormally strong
3 year-old and a container of Bubble Tape,
this really old lady,
with her crooked, shaky hands
began to s-l-o-w-l-y write out her check!
I thought I was going to die!
"I WANT IT!"
Lulu demanded as she pulled the gum towards her!
"YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!"
I grumbled as I pulled it back to me!
BUT I WANT IT!'
...back to her!
"LULU...I SAID NO!"
...back to me!
"I'M TAKING IT!"
...back to her!
"NO MEANS NO!"
...back to me!
Knowing all to well
how little power struggles like ours tend to go,
I looked over to see
if the old lady was done so that I could get out of there!
I was happy to see that she had finished writing her check
but almost died when I realized
that she was still holding the check in her hand
while filling out her check register!
OH COME ON!
Then it happened.
My patience disappeared!
I yanked the gum from Lulu's death grip
and put it back on the rack!
"NO LULU! NO GUM TODAY!"
I said!
Then, I waited!
Her face turned crimson red!
She collapsed onto the nasty floor,
kicked at my feet
and let out
the most amazing, ear-splitting,
eruption of
SCREAM!
Always believing that her scream
could literally wake the dead,
the little old lady jumped,
looked down at her
and with a look of total disgust muttered...
"OH! WHAT AN AWFUL CHILD!"
Whhh-at?!?
That was it!
I felt MY face go crimson red
as a sudden rage
birthed from pure frustration
emerged from deep within!
Before even realizing what I was doing,
I heard sounds coming from my mouth
which sounded just like...
"DON'T WORRY ABOUT MY AWFUL KID!
JUST WORRY ABOUT WRITING THAT STUPID CHECK!!!!!"
Gasp!
Wait! What just happened?
Who am I? Where am I?
Had I really just yelled at a little old lady?
Oh dread!
I was mortified when I noticed
that the teller and my favorite bagger boy, Vincent,
were both staring at me wide-eyed!
Oops!
As my mind raced to figure out what to do,
I saw that the little old lady
continued to write her check totally unphased.
I realized that along with
extreme slowness and shaky hands,
she also suffered from bad hearing!
What luck!
She couldn't hear a darn thing
except, apparently, for the
the high-pitched, siren scream
of a 3 year-old redhead
throwing a tantrum on the floor!
I realized from that experience
that I need to really try and RELAX
a little more while waiting in crazy, long lines!
Lulu on the other hand,
learned a whole different lesson.
Which brings me to story # 2!
A few days ago Lulu and I were at Target!
Again, I chose the wrong line.
This time it was behind a mother and daughter
who were apparently outfitting an entire house.
They had 3 shopping carts over-flowing with goods!
I was buying one T-Shirt!
I chose the line
because they were swiping their credit cards!
I assumed they were nearly done!
But then, after a few minutes, I realized
that they weren't just swiping their cards
but that they were actually
BOTH opening new credit card accounts!
AUGH!!!!
By then I was trapped with 2 other shoppers behind me!
So this time ,
rather than get all crazy,
I took a deep, cleansing breathe
and waited!
While I waited,
I noticed the People magazine
on the shelf next to me.
I picked it up and began to read it!
While Lulu waited,
she noticed the candy bars
on the shelf next to her!
And this time,
apparently having been taught
that if she asks
she will have the thing
she wants painfully ripped from her hands,
she made an executive decision
and picked-up the candy bar
and began to EAT it!
By the time I clued in and noticed what she had done,
the candy bar was half gone
and her face was covered with chocolate!
I was totally shocked!
She always asked for candy
but had never just gone ahead and eaten it before!
What?
NO asking for permission?
NO power struggle?
NO Tug-of-War?
NO tantrum?
I felt like the universe had shifted!
"LULU! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
I asked with total shock!
I froze!
Neither of us knew what to do.
We were in uncharted territory!
Then, as if instinct prevailed,
she held up the half eaten candy bar
and asked if I wanted a bite!
Are you kidding?
Of course I wanted a bite!
I took a bite
(and a few pictures!)
to celebrate
Lulu's willingness to
share
even though I always make her
stand in the longest lines in the universe!
Or was it the Milky Way?
4 comments:
That story cracks me up - I have to say I have a knack for picking the long lines as well! What do you do - a true test in patience is what I say!
That Lulu is one smart cookie with the candy- what a riot!
Love you guys!
Best-ever ending of a blog post!
Although--and I know this makes me kind of a bitch--I'd be disgruntled that the little old lady DIDN'T hear me. grrrrr
I love it!!
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